Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
