I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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