Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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