At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
