Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize