Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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