my phone needs a breathalizer
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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