Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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