You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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