I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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