he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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