My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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