Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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