I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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