Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
