I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
