Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
