Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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