Christians are straight up FREAKS
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
