dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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