Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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