I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Every concussion has its silver lining
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
