I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
