And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dear god my vagina.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
