Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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