I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
the liver wants what the liver wants
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
