I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
