shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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