I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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