Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
