so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
