i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
