Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
