On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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