im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
