i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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