I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
