i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
