Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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