my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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