before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
