Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
