I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
