so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
