I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
