I wannas sexs uuuuu
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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