I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
