Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
