That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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