you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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